Today is a day I have been looking forward to for a long time, an anniversary. At this moment, I am alone at home, brewing a pot of hot tea, and planning to read a book and go to bed early.
It is very lucky to be able to come together by fate. The first meeting was so wonderful, brave, confident, and full of vitality, with great attraction. Some things quietly changed, surrounded by luck and beauty. Without much thought, without expectations, without pressure.
We have seen many sceneries together, experienced and gone through many things, and slowly looked forward to this day. Will the beauty of the first meeting last for a whole year? From the beginning, I didn't know if there would really be such a day. Just like in the beginning, there was no pressure, no demands, just a little curiosity, a little anticipation, waiting for something beautiful, waiting for it to happen.
Until this day gradually approached, I realized that today would really come. As the certainty increased, the attraction seemed to decrease a bit, and you know that this day might just be an ordinary day. And we also faced more specific problems, some of which brought a lot of pressure and distracted our anticipation and curiosity.
It was still summer when you said you wanted a siphon pot, and in winter, lighting a fire and making a cup of coffee would feel warm. I had tried siphon coffee before, but I had never seen the siphoning process. After you mentioned it, I watched many videos and imagined making siphon coffee myself, feeling warm. However, winter came, and we also had a small siphon pot, but we never had the opportunity to make coffee together.
We are not far from each other, about 10 kilometers, and we don't need to struggle with commuting during rush hours. However, we rarely meet when we don't travel together. Even when we go out briefly, we forget to bring it up. Yesterday, when we were enjoying the snow, I suddenly remembered this scene, and the firelight jumped again, warmth within reach.
I imagined the cold outside, the flickering indoor fire, surrounded by the aroma of coffee. I am happy when I anticipate, and a little disappointed when it doesn't happen. But it's okay, it's a bit late to drink too much coffee, it's also warm to drink something else together. I am eagerly waiting for us, procrastinators, to meet and celebrate today. Someone on instant messaging asked me to chat about something and coincidentally said they were also here today. I said I would go out later, and they asked where I was, saying maybe we could meet and chat. I even boasted that today is my anniversary date.
"I thought you thought," it's a communication problem again.
Suddenly, the anticipation deflated a bit. I thought maybe I was the only one looking forward to today. You didn't want to come to my house because it was too small, and it seems like you are not interested in making coffee today. It's indeed a bit late, and you want me to choose where to go, thinking that my agreement with your choice is just perfunctory.
Suddenly, I feel a bit tired, I want to take a walk.
Our relationship is close, we explore and experience together, and we also create together. Originally, we had intersecting points in the things we wanted to do individually, and now we have discussed longer-term life storylines.
When we met, I had just transitioned from a state of confusion to being passionate about the new world, wanting to wholeheartedly invest and regain enthusiasm. Although I should have been the more stable and planned one, in reality, you are the one who cares about balancing life and work, having clear life goals, and actively planning where to live next.
I also had similar plans that I couldn't fulfill and have almost forgotten. The opportunity to fulfill them again is an incredible coincidence and joy. But as someone who still allows myself to try, I feel that the things I invest in are interesting enough and have achieved results that are still out of reach. The low desire lifestyle budget that could have been supported for a longer time will be consumed faster due to changes in plans. I need to think more about whether I have enough energy and confidence to migrate to a completely unfamiliar city, learn a new language from scratch, and explore the things we are creating. If there are more changes in life, how will I cope?
Insecurity buzzes.
These pressures are not only because of the plan to migrate. Starting with the desire to pursue a low-desire life and wanting to find something worth investing in and passionate about, I gradually began to have expectations for the results of exploration. I am no longer alone, I have a storyline that I want to realize together, and my life has changed. My mindset and desires have been rekindled. Interesting things can no longer be relaxed and indifferent to the results, and the pressure spreads to those around me.
Recently, you said that you didn't feel happy this year, and I blamed myself for a long time. Honestly, our creations together are something I hope to see results from. You didn't have that much pressure, but you also share my pressure.
Pressure hangs over us like dark clouds, but there are also moments of happiness when the sun shines through.
In the past year, my mood has noticeably improved, and there have been more silly moments. Even when I was sick, I felt happiness because you were there.
I can try to adjust my mindset, try to return to the state of exploration, and invest without expecting too much in the results. In life, I will continue to rely on you as a plus one. If lucky, maybe the universe will reward us. Without this kind of luck, I believe you would prefer the relaxed version of me.
Or, I can stay relaxed, maintain my own pace, and just invest more time and energy in myself. Compared to expecting others and relying on good luck to come to our projects, it is relatively easier to demand things from myself. In September, my ambitious plan to prepare for an English exam was not realized, and there are many things I want to try on my own that have been put aside. There are many things that can make me fulfilled and grounded. Reason constantly reminds me that this is the right way, and only by doing this can I truly have and give.
I hope that in the coming year, I can transmit less pressure to you and that you will be happier. Whether it's projects or other things, I would rather see you enjoy them more relaxed. Being more relaxed may lead to better results, who knows.
Indeed, I didn't expect that we would meditate separately in our storyline today and set off together tomorrow. But it's also special and cool, I have been thinking about you all night.